Naruto's Theory of Sasuke
by RokuHino
Summary: Naruto has figured out Sasuke's deep, dark secret. Kakashi really should not be allowed to babysit.
1. Chapter 1

**NARUTO'S THEORY OF SASUKE OR WHY KAKASHI-SENSEI SHOULD NOT READ HIS PERVERTED PORN BOOKS TO NARUTO AS PUNISHMENT FOR PULLING PRANKS**

****Disclaimer: Obviously, I do not own. Otherwise this would actually be in the anime and not on Fanfiction.

"He's a vampire."  
>As Naruto often came out with inane comments, it took Sakura several seconds for what Naruto said to process through her head. Turning on the bar stool to face him, she cocked her head.<br>"Huh?"  
>"Sasuke." Naruto clarified, waving around his chopsticks.<p>

They were sitting at Ichiraku, for their usual weekly meeting to 'discuss matters that should be brought to Kakashi sensei's attention, and how best to attempt that.' She and Naruto always arrived before Sasuke, Naruto because, well, it was Ichiraku and ramen and the only thing that got him to anything earlier was Kakashi sensei teaching them some new technique that he could use to whoop Sasuke bastard's butt with, and Sakura on the off chance that Naruto was late, Sasuke was early and she could pretend it was a date. It hadn't happened yet, but then they hadn't expected Sasuke to ever agree to this in the first place, so it could. Maybe. One day in the far distant future.

"Sasuke-kun...is a vampire."  
>"Yep."<br>Sakura turned back to her ramen - miso, with pork and one Naruto on top, no matter how weird it sounded to ask for it- and broke apart her chopsticks.  
>"So, I think we should ask Kakashi-sensei to teach us some advanced genjutsu techniques this week, cause honestly, I was talking to Ino the other day and she says that Shino managed to trap her in one for three hours, and the last time we were exposed to genjutsu was during that bell test."<p>

"But...Sasuke's a vampire! We can't be thinking about genjisu when there's a blood-sucking fiend from the depths of depravity wondering around looking for innocent virgins to ravish!"  
>"Genjutsu Naruto. Gen -Ju-Tsu. And Sasuke-kun is not a vampire." Though she wouldn't mind the ravishing part.<br>"Yes he is."  
>"No he's not."<br>"_Yes_ he is."  
>"<em>No<em>, he is not."  
>"<em>Yes he is<em>."  
>"Yes, who's what?"<p>

The boy in question raised one well-trained eyebrow when Sakura blushed a bright pink and Naruto shoved his hands down his pants. Make that two well-trained eyebrows.  
>"Dobe..." he asked slowly, taking his seat between the two of them. "What are you doing?"<br>"I know who you are." Naruto hissed, hands clamped firmly on his arse.  
>Sasuke dropped one eyebrow, and grunted. It roughly translated to ' I should hope so, as we've been classmates for six years and team-mates for several months.'<br>Sakura sighed and bopped Naruto on the head.  
>" So, I was thinking..."<br>****

It wasn't fair, Naruto decided as he trod along the streets of Konoha. Shark-men could exist, giant toads that smoked pipes and abused you could exist, super-perverts could exist, but vampires? Psh! There was something very wrong if a despicable monster from the underworld could walk about in broad daylight and have the very people he was going to corrupt worship him. Naruto was pretty sure there was some law against that somewhere.

Of course, he knew better. After Kakashi-sensei took him aside and read one of his very special orange books- which was awesome, because it was orange and well, it's not like Naruto could go a buy it in a bookshop- Naruto finally figured out who Sasuke Uchiha was. Or what he was to be exact. Which was a vampire.

It all made sense, he nodded to himself. The cold skin, the pale complexion, the dislike of anything happy and cheerful- ie, him- the penchant to wear depressing clothes and the sulking. Oh, the sulking. There was probably some vampire-y competition somewhere that gave prizes on who could sulk the most and still look good doing it. Not that Sasuke looked good sulking. He just looked like a bastard with a kunai shoved up his arse.

Well, Naruto would just have to figure out how to convince the rest of Konoha of the truth that was walking right under their collective noses. Couldn't be that hard. Right?


	2. Chapter 2

" _'Cause tonight, is the night, for feeling alright, we'll be making love the whole night through. _This one's for you, Gai-sensei! _So I'm saving all my love, yes I'm saving all my love, yes I'm saving all my love for you!_"

Neji slammed his head for the umpteenth time against the table.

"I told you I was sorry! I didn't think he'd take it that seriously!"

Ten-ten ignored him and waved to Lee.

"Go Lee!"

"_No other woman, is gonna love you more!_"

Naruto frowned, eyes squinted and arms folded

"But Lee's a man?"

"Just go with the song, Naruto-kun." Ten-ten advised, still ignoring Neji. "So, anyway, what was it that you wanted to talk to us about?"

Turning his back on the entirely too traumatizing sight of Lee belting out Whitney Houstan's 'Saving All My Love For You', Neji glanced at Naruto, tossing back a shot of some high class alcohol. Naruto had no idea in hell of what it was, but it tasted like arse and Neji had muttered something like 'pleb' when Naruto informed him so.

"Sasuke's a vampire and no-one believes me."

Ten-ten coughed and spluttered, slamming her glass down.

"Uh- what?"

"Uchiha-san is a vampire?"

"See! No-one believes me!"

Neji crossed his arms, leaning back against the seat and glancing over to where Kakashi and Gai were seated, Gai exuberantly cheering on Lee. Kakashi gave him a one-eyed smile.

"So, I just needed you to use your funny eye thingy to look in Sasuke's house when he's in there and see him do vampire-y stuff."

"My...funny eye thing?"

"Yeah. You know, the thing that Hinata can do too, that let's you peek at people and stuff."

"You want me to use my Byakugan, the oldest bloodline limit in Konoha, a highly guarded shinobi skill, to _peek _at Uchiha-kun in his house."

Naruto beamed at him.

Sasuke had no idea what the hell was going through Naruto's head, and most of the time he really didn't want to. What Naruto was doing at the moment though, was just ridiculous and borderline...well, something beyond completely stupid.

"Dobe, get your hands out of your pants."

"Oh, you'd like that wouldn't you? _I know who you are, bastard_."

"We're supposed to be sparring. How the hell are you going to spar with _your hands covering up your god-damn arse_?"

Kakashi chuckled behind his perverted book and waved a hand at them.

"Mah, let him do what his wants ok, Sasuke-chan? Perhaps it's training for when he can't use his hands in battle."

Sasuke sighed, debating whether or not to argue that if Naruto's hands were incapacitated, then he couldn't use his jutsu, namely the 'Kage Bunshin.' Not to mention that he wasn't much of a kicker. His entire fighting style mainly focused on punching sense into and/or knocking their lights out.

"Hn."

Sasuke took much pleasure in knocking Naruto to the ground as often as possible that day.

Kakashi grinned behind his book and took note of how many of those times resulted in Sasuke's front pressed against Naruto's back.

"Anything?"

"I can't believe I'm doing this."

"You challenged Lee to a singing contest. Of Whitney Houstan."

"I like Whitney Houstan."

"Are you sure you're straight?"

"Shut the fuck up, both of you. He's coming out."

Ten-ten and Neji turned to Kiba, the third of their little party.

"The shower's off. The hot water pipe squeaks when he turns it too fast."

Ten-ten blinked. Neji blinked. Akamaru whined.

"What? He wears really nice after-shave, ok? It smells good."

Neji resolutely turned back around, deciding to ignore the last five minutes of his life. He'd been doing that a rather lot recently. Things used to be much more simple before he met Naruto.

"Byakugan!"

Ten-ten leaned forward eagerly, notebook in hand. Inside was a list of things Naruto said that Sasuke would do that would prove he was a vampire. He also warned that vampires had heightened senses during the night, so he could be cautious of spies. It might take a couple nights to get all the proof.

"Anything?"

"I seriously can't believe I'm doing this."


End file.
